An Alternative View on Kinks and Sexual Fantasies
In theory we all understand the question “whether it is good or bad to have weird sexual fantasies” to be strange and unnatural. Yet in actual fact we often prim our lips when hear about a sexual fantasy that seems queer to us. The habit of estimating “normality” and “abnormality” of every event with reference to our own experience and the experience of the ancestors we recall takes it toll.
Positive attitude to various forms of sex can be acquired, just like the habit of not distinguishing events into those normal and abnormal. In this issue hard facts and good knowledge shall be of much help. In order to be fundamental in our positive attitude to sex we have collected many interesting and quite credible facts about normality, naturalness, sanity, legality and traditional character of kinks and sexual fantasies variety.
So basing ourselves on Milton Diamond’s remark that “nature loves variety, society hates it” we shall answer the question of whether kink is good or bad from various points, referring ourselves to medicine, psychology, culture, history, sociology and sexology.
The ancient Romans used to practice an interesting ritual. A marriage was celebrated by an orgy with groom’s friends having sex with bride, the process being observed by witnesses (another bonus here is a fresh look at the role of the “best man”). In his book Sexual Life in Ancient Rome Dr. Otto Kiefer gives the following interpretation of this ritual: from the position of Romans the laws of nature and principles of physics are different from the bonds of wedlock, even opposite to them. Therefore a woman who gets married must work off to Mother Nature the sin of abusing it (the nature) by going through a period of free prostitution, thus repaying the pious marriage by provisional impurity.
Our ancestors obviously, without resorting to any measuring equipment and solely by experience and intuition, felt monogamous relationships to destroy the design of nature and to queer future generations’ pitch – the generations that want to receive the best possible genes.
History is known to be heavy with kinky-customs of our ancestors. Yet the way of dealing with them is an issue that is so far not settled by science – read more of this in our article Perversion or Evolvement: What is a Sexual Fantasy.
Whatever the science, any conventionalism there shall be precarious because new knowledge is continuously growing on the grave of that traditional and generally accepted. That is why the things you were taught at school about birds and bees may be no longer relevant.
For instance, thanks to studies on clitoris we have learnt there is no distinction between vaginal and clitoral orgasms in women yet there is an orgasm emerging in different parts of clitoris – its glans and crus clitoridis.
The studies on sex physiology have dazed us with the fact that the existing “mechanism” of frictions is designated for women having several sexual partners per one ovulation cycle. In the course of frictions a wide head of the penis creates vacuum in the vagina so that during the “back” motion the sperm of the previous partner is drawn from the vagina to be substituted by that of current partner during ejaculation. And you thought there was any other purpose of these motions implied by Mother Nature?
And one more amazing investigation to spur our deliberation. In 2007 the Sidney University team informed that daily ejaculation significantly decreases the rate of sperm DNA damage thus enhancing the fertility. That is, the ability to deliver live spermatozoa depends upon the frequency of men’ ejaculation and reduces given sex is had rarely – the situation we know to occur in traditional monogamous relationships.
Sexual kinks and society
From the perspective of psychoanalysis the erotic culture code and sexual map is what we inherit from parents. And they are not the XX and XY chromosomes that secure our scheme of what to get aroused from and to consider erotic, how to court and whom to fall in love with – this is what we learn throughout the early years of our life. So that the way sex is treated by our parents is also the result of learning, and so on ad infinitum.
However, changes are sometimes introduced: the waves of repressive and permissive attitude to sexuality is the phenomenon that’s been observed by historians in the recent several thousand years. The wave of “everything is allowed and approved” is succeeded by the “nothing is permitted and everything is condemned” one. For thousands years on the mankind has been swinging on the waves of opposite attitude to sex trying to catch the balance. And that existing attitude to “weird sexual fantasies” and sexual kinks has been formed by sex-repressing society that we directly descend.
Sexology defines kinks
The sole power of our sexual behavior authoritative assessment belongs to doctors: they decide on whether the cause of butterflies in our stomach shall be called a perversion or a norm.
This attitude tends to vary. In 1891 Kraft Ebbing considered masturbation to be a perversion, and in 1948 Kinsey said that all of us are to some extent bisexual, so there are no “exclusively heterosexual” or “homosexual persons” yet the rate of bisexuality only. In 1973 homosexuality that had been previously considered a disorder was delisted from DSM-2, and in 2013 they decided BDSM shall no longer be called a perversion yet a paraphilia and removed this kink from DSM-5. While the 2016 ALTSEX conference psychologists make public the thesis of “what can we learn from queer community representatives?”
Today the variety of sexual practices is approved by sexologists and psychologists. One's having just one sexual fantasy and inability to have sex in other way is taken as a sign of perversion. Sexologists' opinion is changing pursuant to new findings and studies of not only those suffering, but quite healthy and happy individuals as well. Thus we can see that in this field they are our inner feelings that have the upper hand, not doctors.
So then, is kink good – or bad?
We rarely think about criticizing people we clash on food, music or movies tastes, yet sexual orientation and practices different from the ones we have may result in enmity as emotional as that between the Montagues and the Capulets.
The clan of traditional attitude towards sexuality uses the following adjectives to describe your sex: normal, holy, healthy, natural, conventional, while fantasies and practices of the alternative sexuality clan are referred to as unnatural, abnormal, “way out”, sick, perverted (Culture, Society and Sexuality: A Reader, Second Edition).
But what shall facts tell us about such adjectives? The natural features inherent in us suggest conclusions about naturalness and healthiness of searching for variety - both in fantasies and in partners.
Social attempts of estimating sexual kinks, of establishing a norm that suits everyone entail inability of an individual to make one’s own judgement. This is what Clotaire Rapaille in his book The Culture Code warns against telling about teenagers who accept no undertones but see everything in black or white colors. Yet when people are given an opportunity to weigh up the options they shall no longer operate binary categories. Especially when these people have the right to form their own opinion that is based on their individual experience and views and differs from the opinion of the authorities – the parents, for example.
Yes, you’ve got it right. We not only suggest you treat the variety in kinks and fantasies in the same positive way that we do. But we also propose that you search for your own way without relying on standard patterns and find out what kind of attitude to sexual variety you enjoy living with.
More about sexual fantasies – in article “Cultivating Sexual Desire In Monogamous Relationship”.