monogamous relationships

Cultivating Sexual Desire In Monogamous Relationship


- You know how much I love sex… Until recently, my sexual desire was insatiable every time and with every partner I had; every single touch or look used to make me excited. When I met Enrique 5 years ago at a beach party and moved to his place in Brazil the first month of our sexual life was as tumultuous and vibrant as a carnival. Then, about a year later, I came to notice that it was more difficult for me to get aroused, that my desire for sex was no longer that strong, that I ran into an issue of insufficient self-lubrication… Then our daughter Mary was born and… Every now and then I started dreaming up excuses to avoid sex. The traditional “I have a headache” or “today I am very tired” became a daily bedtime mantra. Here in Rio de Janeiro everything is impregnated with sex, the very climate facilitates a fulfilling life filled with sensual pleasures. Yet I have turned into a kind of ice baby, just like this acai berry sorbet…

We are sitting in a beach café and my friend watches slim surfers leaving into wild ocean waves, her glance devastated.

- Listen, I have an idea. I shall write an article for you ☺

So is it always true about long-lasting relationships – that they anchor in the quiet harbor of household and friendly get-togethers? Where is that passion, the sea of feelings in it?

Let us see to how one can save one’s relationship from tedium and routine.

Keep the distance!

“Too much love will kill you” – Freddy Mercury sings. Let us put it more accurate: need not kill, but may lower the sex drive. Sounds strange, doesn’t it?

Esther Perel, a therapist, compares relationships between partners to learning the world: we are born with two basic needs. There are always two pairs of extremes: to unite and to separate, to feel comfortable and step outside the comfort zone, to live and experience life together and to stay independent and autonomous. We all want to leave the cradle, craving for adventures. It is a right time for sexual desire to grow: curiosity is empowering us. But at the same time our partners may stop this discovery by getting anxious, experiencing fear. They care for us and unknowingly make us feel guilty for our natural desire to learn something new in the outside world. A lot of people will get back to the starting point just not to carry this blame. They will never unveil their own need to explore and discover.

Sacrifice everything for the sake of relationships and will never know what it feels to open, enter inside oneself and gain new experience. We try to secure our relationships, restrain our partner’s freedom. In this way we kill the passion that lives on puzzles and mystery. The source of desire is then usually found somewhere “outside” and partners get entangled in the nets of adultery.

Is there sexual desire in monogamous relationships?

Monotonous household routine, stressful work or even a child born – all of these can be blamed for lowering the drive and for one’s searching for the “spark” in some other place. Statistics is deplorable: according to Kinsey Institute’ 2009 research findings  22% of respondents were unfaithful to their partners. The “fresh” statistics for 2015 suggests figures to be much more imposing – 41% of married couples (even with serial monogamous relationship) admit to infidelity.

But things are not that bad!

The joy of sex with you partner in long-term relationships is not a myth. In case the flame of sexual desire is kindled by right wood, the wildfire of passion may go ablaze ☺. Some of these “fire-making” techniques shall be dealt with further on.

Role playing: A Midsummer Night’s Sex

You’ve been longing to see your partner playing your most enjoyed part?  A storyline, a computer game or a movie are there for your inspiration. Inexhaustible GracieX describes her experience of going to a bar with a wig a-la Pulp Fiction Mia on. It was not long before she took the fancy of men, with several guys trying their best to buy her a drink and her own husband involved into the competition. She put a make-up on, getting ready for a date experiencing great feeling of seduction and desire. This ritual and flirtiness should never be lost even between long-term partners. As for the man, such role-playing can spark the instinct of a hunter, the chance to once again plunge into the world of “mating habits” that we are so much fond of at the dawn of relationships, for these games induce “butterflies” in our stomach.

Kinks and fantasies, aka Antidotes to routine

According to a study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine they found the responding kinksters (the term “kinkster” in this study refers to people practicing non-traditional sexual practices) to feel happier and more satisfied with sex than other participants. Besides they turned out to be mentally healthier than the adherents of traditional poses that don’t involve experiments in sex: they [kinksters] felt more bonded with their partners and had no fear of rejection. I can assume bedroom fantasizers to be very thorough in planning their sex-pastime, their approach to sex being creative and their discussing things with partner being detailed. These factors help introduce sensuality and trust to relations and at the same time make both partners “ignited” by the new experience they get. About kinks, fetishes and types of sexual fantasies - read in the article "LIST OF KINKS AND THEIR DEFINITION – REAL STORIES ANALYSIS".

Good vibrations: sex toys

The forefather of modern “massagers” was patented by Dr. Mortimer Granville yet in 1880 and was used for the sole purpose of medicine for… helping get healing orgasm! Don’t know how about you, but I do believe in its incontestable power.

The Kinsey Institute study tells sex toys to help both partners get more pleasure from sex. It is not only something bought in sex-shop that a pair can have as a toy, but also something you use to make sex more vibrant. If you get aroused from the vibes of your gadget and you feel free to have it on your body – it shall be your sex toy. Using toys is a way to actively express your sexual desires in respect of erogenous zones stimulation and to consider the fantasies of another one. And in the XXI century it has turned into an unforgettable experience that you share together even if you are far away from each other in terms of territory: for instance, the Onyx + Pearl Couple is designed to bring you together in surge of passion wherever you are: the set for partners contains a dildo (for a woman) and a “shell” (for a man). The toy is controlled with the help of an app or a dedicated Kiiroo video chat. And it is a living example of SexTech in the service of desire and relationship safeguarding.


It may sound scary, but if our eroticism in respect of other people vanishes, we shall lose the same in relations with our regular partner, having them turned into drab. The infidelity statistics that I have drawn first above proves most of us to have thought about it, while over a third appears to have been actually unfaithful. Still, every negative consequence of adultery strikes hard at the relations we are in, with risks associated being too high. If one is not afraid to discuss one’s desires with partner and respect the  reaction on his or her side, it may prevent misunderstanding and help avoid adverse effects. Because frank and open admission of mutual independence delivers us from restraining framework and from the need of searching for freedom in some other place. Open discussion of one’s fantasies about other person or dreams on ménage a trois involves acknowledgement of our relationship to have evolved, to have matured. This understanding may complement relationship with new colors and the passion missing. In this delicate matter they are communication and respect for each other’s feelings that come as the issue of vital importance.

More about threesome – in article "Travelling To Threesome: Dating And More".