Dealing With Jealousy In Monogamish Relationships
Relationships go monogamish at a moment when at least one in a couple starts dreaming about and taking interest in new people. This can be a fantasy of sex with a third person, or that of sex with a partner and others. It may be an active interest in new people or sexual drive for them, or even a crush.
In terms of standard view on monogamy (one partner for life) these fantasies shall suffice to invoke righteous indignation. As traditionally represented in popular nonfiction, infatuation with someone else shall cause automatic penalty in form of suffering and divorce.
Partners in monogamish couples tell us their way of kicking the habit of jealousy at the stage of taking their first steps as well as during the period of transition to active experiments.
Jared and Christina – three months’ monogamish
“Making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman).”
Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being
“You can call us experimenting newbies. We haven’t had anything serious so far, like threesome for instance. But we’ve tried good enough for inducing jealousy. And the remedy we have for it is honesty and creativity:
- the one liking a third person tells honestly about it;
- the one feeling pangs of jealousy hits the road of creative thinking to find reasons not to be carried away by it.”
“The understanding of being monogamish is like a day dawn: you don’t know when exactly it starts, but you definitely see that the night is over. It’s like there are two of us, we are a couple, but we speak about somebody else.
There was a party. I was seeing friends. Christina was chatting with Andy, but the glint in her eyes told me it was something more than just a small talk. Her eyes were set on him, and she kept smiling…
Three months later I have another chance to watch and find some other nuances: their reaction upon each other, the way she enjoys his ideas and buys into them. When left with no doubt, I am waiting for the right moment. Christina speaks about Andy and I’m asking a question that’s been on the tip of my tongue for 3 months: “You take Andy differently, not the way you do with other people. There’s much interest and affinity between you. Are you lovers?” She’s not blushing, yet I can see her smile to be somewhat embarrassed: “How have you guessed”?
No, they are not lovers. Yes, they like each other. And yes, they want more.
Standing in the way of this strong attraction is like resisting a storm: a useless and hopeless idea. So I take a deep breath and go on with:
— Well, maybe you should seduce him?
It’s been three months since then. I guess they are having it good, and they are dating each other. I still wonder about the feelings I must have. Any anger or rivalry in respect of Andy has vanished when I tried to get what he wants from Christina. He sure does not trench on our couple stability, and Chris dates him only when I am not around. In the trips I did not plan to take, in the movies that I don’t like or at the restaurants that make me bored. They are colleagues, and they have some common moments between them that she cannot share with me. I know there are things I cannot give to her, and I don’t want her to stay without this experience.
What we have is love. What they do is wild sex.”
Kate and Mark – almost a year of monogamish life
“If you dream of freedom, if you dream of sex, if you dream of an abundance of friends and flirtation and consensual conquest, of following your desires and seeing where they take you, you’ve already taken the first step.”
Catherine A. Liszt, Ethical Slut
“We are party people. We’re crazy about dancing. Well, I am the one, and Mark caught the bug of my lifestyle. Once a week we go dancing to a club. Whether separately or together, we see others watching us. People take to us, they try to seduce us. And our trick of dealing with jealousy in this case is enjoying the flow of people and their variety. I once admitted to myself that though I consider Mark to be a perfect partner, I nevertheless enjoy the process of being seduced. And thus I cannot be jealous of Mark and this female profusion around him.”
“Once a month Kate leaves on a business trip or some students issue, and I go clubbing alone. One night I understood I take delight from girls tempting me when Kate is not around. Another night they were two girls there (just friends, not twins unfortunately:)). I did not want to stop and I brought them home. One of them flew the coop for some unknown reason, but the second one was very good to spend some pleasant hours with.
When Kate came back, I told her the story in full. She did not mind. She was even excited by the details of “where?” and “how?”, and she wanted to know the answer to “who?”
“Having discussed the issue, we didn’t rim full tilt into new contacts. But the freedom of flirting with new people has certainly spiced up our evenings and night.”
Ed & Mary – three years of monogamish
“One person cannot give everything to another person.”
House of Cards
“We spend much time together and our relationships are a continuous process of diving into each other. So seeing your love’s starting desire for other people is an exciting extension of this immersion. There’s no space left for jealousy when I understand I cannot be everything for her – even in terms of time I can spend.”
“When next to my Ed, I feel like staying a little bit in the shade. He is an absolute leader in all ideas and initiatives of our couple. It does not bother me, but I have a fantasy of corrupting other people, both men and women. I’ve noticed this fantasy while coaching staff at my office. I shared it with Ed and we were both aroused by discussing the way to its fulfillment. So our prescription, the remedy for jealousy, implies a solution that’s been found together. We tell each other about our desires and fantasies, and if the second one is not able to satisfy them, we decide on the way of making things mostly comfortable for them.”
Honesty as a universal remedy for jealousy
We’ve got many stories from different couples who told us about their monogamish adventures. And every story in that partners have managed to break free from the green-eyed monster starts with open communication. It involves talking about fantasies and affinity to other people, about dreams and desires, doubts and embarrassment. And it makes us consider honest talk to be a primary condition of dealing with jealousy.
Find more about communication in a couple in the article How to Increase Sexual Desire in Couple -
Communication About Sex