Effy Blue’s (New York) Open Relationship Test

 

Effy Blue is a coach who deals with the issue of “what is open and alternative relationship” from both practical and theoretical perspective. Effy is a dab hand in ethical non-monogamy and alternative relationships structure. And she is probably the world one and only expert in this field. Effy refers to monogamy as “relationship default settings” and suggests her clients build relationships following their own design and making changes in the said defaults. And if a couple is making its way to open relationship, Effy advises they’d better establish their own open relationship rules.

Being on the same page about these ideas, we take the pleasure of publishing an article that analyses Effy Blue’s open relationship test.  The test is a scale that helps measure one’s readiness to reset default settings and proceed to new relationship design development.

Open relationship test–composition and prescription

The test questions form a data space from that a respondent gets a new understanding of what is open relationship.

• The first question deals with multiple sex. It inquires what we feel about having sex with several partners and our readiness to learn about partner’s doing the same.

Of course threesome in no way makes a mandatory rule of open relationship. No one forces us to. Yet when you’re scared by just an idea of having a threesome, maybe it’s better you figure out the reason of this fear before going further? After all, it is sex and not platonic love that comes as a bedrock of intimacy.

• The second point asks whether we are stable in our relationships and if the two of us have learnt to rub along?

We know from project management that the more participants a project has, the less manageable it becomes. While intimate relationships may become the most significant and complicated project of our life.

• With her third question Effy asks us to consider whether we discuss the relationships with our partner.

This is a crucial question since sometimes we are sure we know partner’s thoughts and emotions without having even asked them about. A confidence like this, when based on neither reality nor facts, is a considerably shaky foundation. While things that we have in common contribute to a foundation of a more adamant kind.

• The forth question refers to HIV and other STI screens: whether we do them and how often this happens. And are we able to ask our new partners do the same and have themselves tested.

The more people in intimate communication, the higher are the risks and the more attention we need to pay to our sexual health issue. Hesitation and uneasiness are a bad match for a big family health responsibility. Everyone’s personal liability for all partners’ health is one of open relationship key rules.

• Question five is about jealousy. Have you any ideas as to the respond you show in case your present or new partner falls in love and prefers having a date without you?

Your feelings, thoughts and emotions about the said are the most essential compass needle on the way to opening your relationship. Seriously, what’s the use of talking about open relationships if they are anger and grievance it points to?

• The sixth question is about how mature your love is.

If in terms of your relationships your partner still owes you more than you do to him, maybe you’d better get on more equal terms to become less dependent on each other in your present couple before expanding it?

• Question seven asks how easy you feel about changes.

This question may seem to have nothing to do with open relationship. But the more people in the relationship, the more changes and clashes occur, so that the need for adjustment and committing responsibility shall be there more often. If changes make you upset, this may hinder your modifying some minor things in yourself.  

• The eighth question is rather a fun: whether you have at least one friend in support of ethical non-monogamy?

If you don’t, then it’s time you get one. Otherwise you risk becoming a pariah among friends with ”default settings” families. Loyal friends shall hardly tell about how to have open relationship, but they may come to support you.  

• The question nine is what we believe to be the second in terms of significance. It is about misunderstandings.

Imagine a situation when a partner has misunderstood you and as a result has done something different from the way you actually wanted. What feelings shall you get?

Whether you shall feel indignant or try to figure things out? Get the feeling of being betrayed or think that nothing special has actually happened? Are you ready to invent new rules to prevent misunderstandings, or you don’t want to bother? The bigger the family, the more chance that misunderstanding shall occur.

• The tenth question comes about your behavior when under the influence of negative emotions and problems, like fear, grief, disappointment.

Would you prefer to isolate yourself for coping with your emotional troubles, or are you used to wait for consolation from the partner? Do you manage not to lose your rag when dealing with your close people, or you need to leave them for long to keep them safe from your anger?  This question helps understand whether you’re an easy person to live with, or whether you have problems so that people next to you have to make their best effort to douse your emotional flames.

By giving the result Effy not only tells whether you are ready to start open relationship but also comes with some open relationship tips–what new things you can learn and try to do. For instance, manage the skill of listening to other people or learn more about empathy.

Ethical non-monogamy-a guest from the future?

We may consider ethical non-monogamy to be an extremely rare phenomenon that in a natural context happens as infrequent as pandas do. But this is only as of today.

Even when science-fiction authors write about something that does not actually exist, we already guess that the described idea shall one day turn real. And there’s an evidence–the iPhone that you have in your hand now was a fantasy yet 50 years ago. So even if Effy’s test goes a bit ahead of time–it’s a matter of some years only

Read more about alternative non-monogamous relationships in our articles: Monotony Vaccine, Or 5 Steps To Rekindle Sexual Desire, and Libertines As French Open Minds.